LOOKING AT THE WORLD GAY

not the one

2010-07-20T21:06:00.002-04:00

hi all how has the summer been treating you all

it turns out that he was not necessarly the one....things pretty much had to be his way, at his place, with me toting the dogs to his house with their cages so they could be caged pretty much the whole time i was there...now my boys are a bit rambuctious, but there are good dogs, spoiled rotten, but good, and the fact that they are in cages while i am right there with them kinda irked me, so after the 4th weekend i needed some time to think, havn't called him nor has he called me so i guess he kinda feels the same way
oh well, was not quite sure he was the one anyways..was a good 40 minute hike every time i wanted to see him and was going 2-3 times a week..which would mean late night getting home on work nights
so to all my blog buddies that are left, i have been lurking, but not posting much...i hope you are all still good

the one

2010-03-11T21:34:00.002-05:00

the one, the one i will spend the rest of my life with has quietly snuck up on me and blew my socks off....i don't even know if anyone reads this anymore but i have fallen deeply in love with an incredible hot handsome man that i will marry and spend the rest of my life with
i cannot even begin to explain the depths that i feel right now, the passion, the love like i have never felt in my life.....and i loved my wife....but this. whew, this guy just came out of nowhere and landed in my lap like a gift from God
for that i am eternally grateful, and i thank all of you for putting up with sad ol dave for all these years....i smile,laugh, constantly hear birds singing, cannot wait to see him and life is so incredible right now i cannot even tell you

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2009-12-24T11:01:00.001-05:00

just simply MERRY CHRISTMAS to anyone out there that still reads this.....i am alive and well, and struggling through life and the economy like many of us
i hope all our dreams and wishes come true for this joyous holiday season and will promise to post more in 2010
again MERRY CHRISTMAS to all my blogger buddies

health issues

2009-09-12T18:54:00.002-04:00

fall appears to be upon us here in cleveland ohio...leaves are already starting to fall, temps are cooling,beautiful fall day here....sunny mid 70's but is getting dark by 8 now
went to a new dr this week...have been having leg problems for about a year now..swelling and lots of aching and pain.....probable cause is that i don't sleep well, havn't slept in bed in months as i fall asleep on couch and then wake up 2-3 in am and am up for the day.
new dr seems concerned about leg/health issues but more concerned with overall well being issues..still have guilt on the divorce, the reasons for divorce and how i destroyed the ex emotionally, son is still giving me problems with money....yeah the ass just keeps on crying and moaning....so new dr prescribed some type of anti-depressant...not sure about this have heard lots of pros and cons...but we shall see..will get filled tommarow and start and see what happens...so with all this sunny news..thats all for now from sunny cleveland

well i'm still here

2009-08-20T00:12:00.003-04:00

hi boys in blogland

well still here,still breathing,bankruptcy done,foreclosure done, life goes on, have met some great people over summer...no torrid romance though.....the man i thought i fell for head over heals has turned out to be really messed up,as my friend out west has soooooooo predicted way back in march....i do miss my friend,have not talked to him in quiet a while...hope he is well, work is still work, being a gm dealership we were very close to being shut down, but we made the cut, now we will see how we do without pontiac as our inventory levels of that brand dwindle down to nothing..which leaves us with just buick and gmc truck......not much else to talk about..still hoping for my white knight......i know he is out there and will be riding up soon
on a positive note i have started working out again and have lost about 12 pounds of old man fat..feeling kinda good actually...started eating right again and getting outside that damn door...went on a actual date the other night...movie,dinner then drinks...was fun.....oh well boys hope all is well with all of you...promise promise i will start to post more.....
love you guys and have been thinking about all of you much and have been checking in on you regularly

alone

2009-05-10T19:25:00.002-04:00

well the love of my life didn't work out, he was in a terribly abusive relationship for about 2 years to the point where he was hit by this guy and is so gunshy of anytype of relationship that seems like he is shutting himself off to the world, so here i am alone, with one good good friend i can always count on out west..he is always there for me,even though he has his own problems to eal with and always has time for me and always always the best advice...he is my lifeline right now...been dreaming alot of my past lately, the house, about times while we were all still living there as a family, woke up this am and the dream was so very real wasn't sure where i was at when i woke up...much sadness these last few days and i don't know why..have not been able to talk to anyone.....have not even left the house today....just very hard to even walk out the door...not sure whats ahead, sadness at what i left behind....its hard to even move

ikissed a guy and i liked it

2009-03-22T08:54:00.004-04:00

hey fellow bloggers....its been a while again, lots has happened, bankruptcy almost done,waiting for discharge...still screwing around with the house....dining room ceiling collapsed over winter....left a big mess, but no money to fix....oh well.....big news is i met a guy, wonderful, handsome big hearted wonderful damn fine guy and am head over heals in love right now for him......
he is a kind,gentle soul that would give you the shirt off his back and has the most beautiful green eyes anyways will post more later
hugs from cleveland

still alive

2009-02-09T19:24:00.002-05:00

ok boys still here still alive really suck lately at posting, wish i could say its all the dating i am doing ...lol.......finally got through the bankruptcy and had my creditor meeting last week,now just waiting should have a discharge in about 60 days......just in time for summer.....house should be done shortly.....right after christmas dining room ceiling caved in from a broken pipe in second floor that i have no freekin idea how as i was keeping house heated....and pipe was on inside wall...oh well....hope all your holidays were great...hope you all remember who i am.....promise to start posting more often if i can fit it in between all the hot guys in and out of here....hehehe
later
over and out from clevfeland ohio

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2008-12-24T15:39:00.002-05:00

i have been so lacking the last month since thanksgiving and just wanted to take a minute to wish all my blog friends a very merry christmas .....the new year will i hope be much better as this one is ending pretty crappy......i love all you guys out there who still read me and thank you for hanging in there with me...hope your holiday is great
love and hugs from cleveland

2008

2008-11-27T06:46:00.001-05:00

what a difference a year makes

happy thanksgiving to all my blog buddies out there...hope you and yours have a great day and promise that i will post more

dave

lifes wicked turns

2008-11-13T21:11:00.003-05:00

well boys the last month has been a monster for me....being hounded by creditors.still dealing with the house.....incredible slow down at work due to the wonderful economy...so took the big step tonight and hired an attorney and filed bankruptcy.....why didn't i do this 3-4 months ago dealing with a grand total of about 250k hanging over my head....qualify for chapter 7 and should be totally over by january....thats about all that there is new here in cold cleveland
holidays are coming....sure will be different this year
hope all you are good
promise to post more
over and out in cleveland

seven steps

2008-10-17T00:05:00.004-04:00

i want to take a few minutes here tonight and let all you wonderful people out there that there is an awesome blog out the www.gaytwogether.com that you all need to check out..michael is by far the most wonderful,kind gentle soul of a person that i have ever had the privelge and honor to know
his daily diary series that he has started this week is by far helping me to see myself for all the good that i have in me...i am wonderful and can look in the mirror and see the person that is inside this shell screaming to get out and with his help i am finally discovering this person who has been hidden behind i don't know what for years
thank you my wonderful,gentle michael may all you readers discover what i am discovering about my self
check this blog out,its well worth it and there is also tremendous hot eye candy every day

blame/self-esteem

2008-10-06T20:58:00.001-04:00

you may all wonder just what this is about...but i am going to try and explain what i mean..i have been blaming my self for months about all the oh woe shit i am going through,blaming my self for all that has transpired with my ex, my son, my daughter, its all been my fault, i have caused it all, no one else had anything to do with it.....so the more i blame myself of all the crap the lower my self esteem has been moving to the point where i am so damn depressed
but........there is this miracle man....and if you have not checked him out make sure you check out the site Gaytwogether.......Michael has by far the biggest heart, the most kind,gentle loving spirit out of anyone i have ever had the pleasure of knowing...he announced to the world today on how deeply deeply he is in love with his steven....this is a happy miracle story that you all need to read, his daily diary is just with out word, wonderful...check it out, anyway he has been talking with me and is getting me to look at things a whole new way...positive,wonderful, and when i walked outside this morning i saw the sun, heard the birds, could smell the wonderful smell of fall in the air...i feel alive again, first time in a long time and yes, i am a good person, yes i am wonderful, and there will be someone out there that will be damn lucky to find me
thank you dear michael

shocked

2008-09-24T06:07:00.002-04:00

i heard the news this morning about 4:50am....stunned, shocked, my world was rocked....not sure how i am going to get through the day, cannot believe, how we, the american public has been lied to all these years..but alas, its true, i couldn't believe it when i heard, could not have guessed in a million years...the last one on earth that i would suspect

CLAY AIKEN IS GAY.....OMG...I AM SHOCKED, STUNNED

yup...i'm real

2008-09-02T21:18:00.001-04:00

so after all these years i guess i decided that its time to reveal that i really really do exist...so to all you out there....this is me..don't laugh too hard....i look like someones grandfather and no i am NOT a grandfather...will not be happy with the two kids should i become one at this young age...hehehe,,,anyways all you have a great night

life

2008-08-04T16:59:00.001-04:00

short and sweet.....i love my new house........i am loving my new life....i have met a really great guy......i could not be happier right now

new life........new look

2008-07-27T09:32:00.002-04:00

hey boys...well its sunday am and setting here in my new family room watching the 2 dogs sleeping on the floor, they seem to be adjusting, and realizing this is my new life, soooo,thought i would start with a new look for the ol blog....deleted a couple of now defunct blogs....most surprised about our beloved cooper....to say i was shocked this week is mild...but then without meeting people who the hell knows who we are.....i have talked to a couple of you guys out there so at least a couple of you know i am real.....at least i think i am...God knows its taken me years to become real....lol....anyways going to go to the old house this morning to do some more packing,some painting and cleaning cause i have to get it ready to try and sell..bank is starting to give me some grief about not making payments.....
will be talking to a lawyer this week about bankruptcy....think this is the best and only way
so with that all being said,happy sunday, its really a beautiful sunday morning here
love all you guys

my last night

2008-07-18T21:59:00.002-04:00

tonight,friday night i am busy packing, loading clothes, damn i never knew i had so many...and shoes...damn...should have known all along....clothes horse and 2 big boxes of shoes...oh well.the dishes are packed, the china already moved, she left so much, but took also, oh well i am tonight spending the last night in my home, the home i was born in, spent my entire childhood, watches as i grew up my parents scraping and skimping to keep the house nice and updated, and tommarow morning at 8 a truck arrives to move me out...never to sleep here again, never to walk through these rooms with memories of family christmas time, kids birthday parties, i watched my mother pass away in the livingroom, but, tommarow i start over in a new home, a great home, and realize that i can never look back, only forward, the memories i will always have and that this is nothing more than a building of wood and glass, so fellow gay travelers keep me in your thoughts tommarow as i relocate and hoist the rainbow flag on a new neighborhood...hehehe

she' gone

2008-07-07T06:08:00.002-04:00

hey there buddies...well she and my daughter moved out this weekend, and while the quiet and freedom are awesome, it is a little sad walking through the house and seeing my daughters room that is now empty, lots of stuff missing off walls and now there are spackle patches where pictures one hung, but in now less than 2 weeks i will be in my new home also, fresh start,new beginnings and bla bla bla.......so any hooooo, will go for now but just wanted to update y'all, been lousy at posting lately

on my way

2008-06-22T08:43:00.002-04:00

well, fellow travelers , i did it, i signed the lease yesterday, charming 4 bdr, 1 bath cape cod home in south euclid ohio, attached garage, family room with fire place, all appliances left for me, allowed to paint, decorate any way i see fit, we will talk in a year about lease with option to buy the house....750.00 per month plus utilities....move date:JULY 19.....cannot wait, i can take both my dogs with me...sooooooo thats it....she is supposed to move out next weekend and then can get moving on my packing, couple things i need to do to house and hoping to have on market by july 1st.....with that being said hope you all have a great day and will give you all the address so you can come and help......hehehe

happy fathers day

2008-06-15T08:41:00.002-04:00

hey all you dads out ther happy fathers day to you..cannot believe its been almost a month since i last posted, things have been crazy home,at work,
countdown ..2 weeks to go till they move, the house is an absolute disaster, i cannot believe that they had so much stuff in the house, and they are taking it all with them into a house 1/2 size of the current house......i plan on moving sometime mid july, gonna try and get house listed by first part of july, i contacted my bank the other day to advise them of the situation, and they gave me 3 options, first was to make the payment like i am supposed to, second is to take in borders, third is to get a part time job, nothing about helping with interest rate,reduction in payments.am going to try for a short sale, but if that doesn't work will go for a deed in lieu of forclosure, have contracted a realtor and am talking with attorney to help with all this....
anyways thats about it for now, i will not stay away so long as you guys are my lifeline here right now and have missed you all

recently missed blogs

2008-05-21T22:22:00.002-04:00

just a quick note to several bloggers who have recently seem to have vanished. coopers corridor was an extremely well written blog on his life and life of his 2 wonderful boys...what a great dad he is and i truly miss reading his words everyday, many times his words helped me through a rough time that i may have been going through, another great blog that i have grown to love is akoni chaputs blog, another wonderful "brotherman" who helped me a lot...i miss these two guys alot and hope they are both ok.....if either read this enty much love and hugs to you both

sunday am

2008-05-18T08:24:00.002-04:00

well boys, its sunday am sitting here at my favorite caribou coffee in mayfield heights playing with my new gateway m series laptop...wow how awesome is this thing.....
so here are some updates, their bid was accepted on house so they will be moving sometime 20th of june, major packing going on now, i have a realtor meeting me this am at house to appraise and probably list, may wait till they and their clutter are out....have landed a really beautiful house to rent in south euclid...3 bedroom, attached garage family room with fireplace, friend of owners of my business where i work, he is charging me 750.00 per month rent.....he is leaving some furniture for me also........deal i can't pass up, and i can take the dog with me...so that was my main important factor.....last saturday on way home from work timing chain broke on my car......new engine, or new car......trying to figure budget out i can lease a new pontiac g6 with nothing down for about 197 per month, but that is a low mile lease and i really don't like the idea of leasing...you have nothing at the end of lease, probably going to fix my grand am...nice car except it doesn't run right now......and yeah have gone out couple times again with my hot man.....dudes with all the shit i cannot tell you how i feel so free, so whole, just fucking awesome
later and lots of hugs from cleveland

dinner

2008-04-30T05:59:00.002-04:00

ok boys here it is, nothing spectacular, went to dinner at a neat little place in downtown, had a great meal, great conversation, couple glasses of wine, candle light at the table, could not stop looking at the eyes, incredible blue eyes, food was good, then we took a walk along the lake, by the rock and roll hall of fame and science center......great night, temps great, stopped to look at tomething and oh wait, he kissed me, just a quicky but he kissed me, first kiss as a really out gay single man............how fucking liberating is this.......well finally ended the night and took him back to his place, said goodnight and we kissed, this time a little more than a peck......this feels fucking awesome...........
anyways shared this next little humourous note with my buddy michael in norfolk the other night, you all know i am looking for a house to rent, well i looked at one the other day on a street in mayfield heights called "FRUITLAND DRIVE" i must have this house...is this not perfect
all for now
much love from cleveland
dave

oh boy oh boy oh boy

2008-04-17T14:12:00.001-04:00

oh boy oh boy oh boy.......with all the shit going on i asked a guy out and he said yes

yaaaaaaaaah i am offically gay

i survived

2008-04-11T06:07:00.002-04:00

ok boys...here i am the 11th, i survived, she survived, we are both still breathing, and i am finally an almost all the way out single gay man..............omg what a feeling..........all i can do sometimes is this little evil smile, then there are tears, and the evil smile again.....i hate to say it, but for the most part i am feeling really great ,right now, who knows what 5 minutes from now will be, but for now life is good, money and house and problems will all take care of themselves, and i will survive that too and come out the other end smiling
so...........who wants to fix me up............

later dudes

d-day has come

2008-04-09T16:58:00.000-04:00

ok my friends i am asking for alot of prayer right now...tommarow morning 9am sharp in court, final hearing and am really ready to go off on her and tell her what i think about alot of things so i am asking to keep me in your thoughts
love you guys alot, your friendship means alot

easter 08

2008-03-27T12:42:00.001-04:00

ok boys

word to the wise...IF you are getting a divorce, still living together, not divorced yet
never never ever go to the inlaws house for a holiday dinner, with all 7 of her redneck brothers and sisters
wow......what a day

update

2008-03-22T07:28:00.002-04:00

bottom line.............never never sign anything without taking 24 hours to read and re read

think i got fucked

4-10-08

2008-03-13T06:20:00.002-04:00

this is the date that will end 30 years of a often troubled relationship.....4-10-08...9:00am cleveland domestic relations court....approx duration of hearing...5 minutes.....
been a really rough couple weeks, trying to get house refi'd but no one wants to touch me with just single income....something about debt to income ratio being above 63%.......hmmmm perhaps shall mail keys to bank and say see ya..
later dudes

the house

2008-02-24T16:08:00.002-05:00

well hot ones in blog land, i think i have to come to the realization that i am not going to be able to keep the ol house.......with a debt to income ratio of approx 62% and the prospect of a close to 2k monthly payment i fear i must let it go.....am doing some research on something called a short sale and if anyone out there has a clue how this process works will appreciate any help you can give.......
progress is being made, we gave the attorney all the info on thursday, will meet next thursday to sign, he will file and in approx 6 weeks will all be done....single, gay, true to self, real to the world, old,fat and ready to take on anything at this point...very excited about a lot of stuff right now, mixed,scared, and bla bla bla.......
all for now
over and out in beautiful cleveland

d-day

2008-02-20T06:55:00.002-05:00

this thursday 1:30 we have our meeting with the attorney.....good friends, i would be lying if i told you that me emotions were stable right now...they are all over the fucking place,nervous,excited, sad, happy....feel like a woman going through the change.......how ever that feels.......but will look to the future, thinking last night that the hurt will be over for her in a few months and by christmas she will be fine.............i know it will be tough, so many changes, so fast.......but like several have said including my buddy lewis, its long over due........so.wish me luck........keep me in thoughts an prayers..........and i will keep you updated

can we say 4th of july party at daves............c'mon down
love love love you guys for being there as such good friends
hugs

life is good

2008-02-12T06:26:00.000-05:00

so saturday i went shopping........damn i love to shop, bought a toaster....now most of you would not get excited about that but damn that felt so liberating, went to linens and things and bed bath and beyond and put MY name on their mailing list.............i guess i am officially gay.........guys i cannot tell you how this feels, while there is a certain level of sadness this process to get here has taken 3 years to the mourning period is over.....i contacted my mtg guy yesterday and started the ball rolling for a refi into my name, and doing all this and i don't have to discuss with anyone....just me, my decisions, my actions, i could just stand on a hill top and shout right now..................:)

its time has come

2008-02-08T06:06:00.000-05:00

ok boys so last night things came to a head.......no yelling, no screaming, no not like that, just tears in her eyes and said we need to talk..........so i said yea its time to talk......turns out she has already seen a lawyer, we will be filing disolution, no yelling, no screaming,i keep the house, we split the credit card bills, she takes her car payment, we meet with lawyer in couple weeks, 1 lawyer, 1100.00 for formality, we split that, and thats it, we're done, over, finished, i am nervous,scared,excited, can i afford to keep house? can i afford utilities....gas bill for heating came and is 400.00......shit damn, we keep the house at 62.............may need someone to come out and check out the ol furnace.............hmmmmmmmmmmmm,
i will obviously need to step down from my duties at the church as she is employed there.....will most likely look for another..........if friends are friends there they will still be my friend if i don't go there........so .........we see...........thats it, in a nutshell
hugs from cleveland

pointless time

2008-02-04T06:26:00.000-05:00

i've been told that i need to post, but the mind is numb,blank, can barely get through the day just concentrating on work, much less this lowly blah personal life, (almost said worthless) but i didn't, nothing has changed and am finally realizing that if anything is going to change i am the one who must do it..........but i still go back to the bottom line is that i am the cause of all this, and its all my fault...........oh god here i go whining again, sorry, but still think i am going to hurt her by leaving, but bottom line is she i feel is already hurt, and probably over it at this point....i don't know i just don't know, kinda like staying in my room all night.........me and th dog and my tv.............oh well................

speechless

2008-01-16T06:44:00.000-05:00

well i was reminded yesterday by a blogger friend michael in norfolk that i have not posted in days......lets see.......hmmmmmmmmmmm, guess nothing positive to say, head gasket problems with car, foot still hurts, 2 teeth have to come out and a partial bridge constructed, approx 3k, and no dental insurance with our wonderful benefit plan here at work, thought i left all the shit back in o7, oh well, let it fall,let it fall, i just really don't give a shit right now

RESOLUTIONS

2008-01-04T06:34:00.000-05:00

new years eve sucked............went to the brother in laws for a get together, at 11:15 she decided it was time to go.....so we wouldn't have to hug or anything else at the stroke of midnight....we drove seperate so we were both in seperate cars at midnight......oh well, 07 is done, gone and so is all the fucking negative that came with the year, was thinking of doing a year in review but decided you guys have heard enough soooooooooo have come to some amazing decisions

may 2008...........if all goes well will be moving out...........its my birthday month and what better way to start a new "birth"

will start looking for a new church to get involved with.....one that is more in touch with reality
have started watching what i eat and working out again.....time to shed to 40 or so pounds of stress fat accumulated over the last several years..........
thats it for now..........but i think all positive.............impressed aren't ya
i vow that i will never again experience my favorite time of year, the holidays, like this past year....i could have cared less and if you all knew me better you would know thats not me at christmas time..............anyhoo.........you guys all rock

AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

2007-12-31T06:29:00.000-05:00

well here it is guys, new years eve, at work, and planning on spending the day here till 6 to get some last minute end of year and end of month shit done, and to avoid having to go to her brothers tonight for a long ass boring new years party.......all her family again, just spend the whole day christmas with them.........last weekend was the worst christmas ever.......no money,few gifts and lots of stress between her and me..........just can't do it any more, don't want to, to the point i can't even be nice....spend all my time in my room, not even eating with them......just getting tired...............2008, will this finally be the big unveiling of gay dave.......God i hope so i am going nuts, feel like a fucking caged animal ready to strike..............hope all your new years are great and will look forward to more wonderful, joyous, happy posts coming out of my mouth...........love you guys, your comments and support are awesome and much needed

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2007-12-22T12:04:00.001-05:00

to all my good friends i have made in this wierd wacky world of ours
merry christmas wherever you are, whom ever you are with, hope the day brings everything you hoped for
love you guys
dave

foot fetish

2007-12-20T06:32:00.000-05:00

no not that kind sillies............i finally got the balls to call my doc again the other day as my foot (apparantly gout)has not gotten any better with time, and its been 4 months of 24/7 pain and walking like the hunch back of notre dame..........wow, some hot guy....anyways he prescribed something called naproxen and hot damn.....its still hurts, but not like it has been and i can walk, oh i can walk
so i am setting here this morning eating my fav choc chip cookie slightly warmed in micro and my wonderful starbucks breakfast blend, and realized that Christmas it next tuesday, will be off sat afternoon, all day sunday, all day monday and tuesday at home with the future mrs ex....YIKES!!!! oh well, will have to find some source of internet to stay in touch with all you wonderful wonderful friends that i have gained over the last year or so.....must make a point next year to meet at least some of you......perhaps a blogger convention here in cleveland....no it does get warm here in summer..........could be a blast............anyways out for now......
hugs to you all

the holidays

2007-12-18T06:17:00.000-05:00

as the wonderful season and day is fast approaching, i sat last night and just watched,listened, and while we are all together in this building called a home, its like neither one are there, oh yeah we are there but i see the hurt, where once was a happy, joyous, holiday filled home with presents, people, oh damn we always had people in, open houses parties, cook outs in the summer, there is nothing anymore, no parties, no people, no friends to drop by and say merry christmas, i feel so responsible for all this and the last thing i ever ever wanted was to hurt her, guess the upbeat mood doesn't last long..................oh well ..........thats it for now

alone again

2007-12-08T17:16:00.000-05:00

and thats ok....here i am they are gone, watching logo tv, drinking my starbucks,reading my favorite people in the world on a wireless laptop, this is so fucking awesome...have very strong wireless signal around the house here somewhere cause i don't even have dsl in the house....so really enjoying myself right now...gonna finish some lights....take out the dog and then bake bake bake.......................anyone wanna come over and help...............
later all you out there

oh boy another weekend

2007-12-07T06:13:00.001-05:00

happy friday to you all .........plans for the weekend???? after rehersals tommarow for our annual christmas musical at church, this is my saturday afternoon/night baking ritual, no one will be home so anyone that wants to come over and help is more than welcome, what a freeking fabulous time we could have, then sunday they are once again gone for the day.....and will be in rehersals again unless a better offer comes around.....hmmmmmmm any takers.........anyways you all have a great weekend and will talk to you all soon
damn......3 posts in a week

TIS THE SEASON

2007-12-04T06:32:00.000-05:00

ok just a quick one today, see getting better, this is two posts in 2 days.....i think i will survive....and now folks 2 things i love to do at christmas time, bake and send cards, i am looking for new cookie recipes, perhaps something decadant choc. anything that is one of your fav's i would love to get, so e mail me your favorites please please, also would love to expand my christmas list from a grand total of 3 to many many more, if anyone would like to get a card please email me your address
gymguy345@hotmail.com
so for now, i am going to don my gay apparel and get the day started here at work
smiles and hugs from cold snowy cleveland

oh and akoni would love that cheeze log recipe.......send it when you get a minute
thanks

30 years

2007-12-03T06:23:00.000-05:00

well good friends, today would mark my 30th wedding aniversary...........30 years, 10 good years, 15 not so good and well, the last several have been pure hell.......so needless to say there are not presents,cards, celebrations, no hugs, no kisses, and as crass as this sounds does not bother me................
on up notes my tree is up, lights are up outside, mowed lawn for last time saturday got all the leaves cleaned up, hurt like hell sunday morning, started my traditional christmas baking yesterday, always up for new recipes and ideas, e mail to me if you have something really good, and as always, love you guys and someday will all get to meet in person
hugs from cleveland

BLACK FRIDAY

2007-11-24T09:53:00.000-05:00

hi fellow bloggers.........friday was a great day, up at 3:15, showered ,shaved, shaved the old noggen, out the door by 4:20 and in line at circuit city by 4:45.........put on the best jeans, great sweater, best cologne .damn if i did not look good..........been a long time since i said that.....but looked and FELT good...........just a good day, bought alot, didnt spend much money.......but damn, no hot male videos at circuit city for 3.99.............oh well, see if any on sale on line......hope all had a great holiday...........looking forward to christmas holidays..perhaps i will get invited to a party or something ............will go this time.........

THANKSGIVING

2007-11-21T14:46:00.000-05:00

today is wednesday and i will be off tommarow and friday..............BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPNG .............YAH!!!!!!!!!!, i want to just take a minute to wish you all, my brothers, a happy thanksgiving..........while i will be with family, i will be thinking about all you, who are becoming my family, and wishing the best for you.............and thanks to all of you, for the support, the words, the hot pics, your support means more to me than anything in the world and hope you all know that...............i truly love you all
thanks
dave

2008

2007-11-19T06:29:00.000-05:00

ok, havn't posted in a while, even scared myself in the past week or so ....i have been reading all your posts and thank you guys for all the support.......i plan, listen to me, to make this whole gay thing official in 2008, early, am stashing some money in case i need to move out, and pilfering some unused household items and am storing in the garage, which she never goes into......i am excited, cannot wait, truth will come, my dear friend akoni, last posted in my blog and he told me to smile, even if i have to fake it till its real, well all you out there, that is just what i am doing, i am not going to let ANYONE get me down anymore and to the point that i was, i am me and am damn worth still living......................so you all have a great day, cause i 4 days, i am going ..................SHOPPING...........God i love to shop.............and its friday after thanksgiving, off work for the first time since april................cannot wait.......................love all of you for being there

thank you

2007-11-10T13:36:00.000-05:00

to those of you out there that read my blog, and those that don't but i read, i want to say thank you.....i am truly blessed by all the friends i have made on here, and yes, i am still alive and kicking.....mood seems to be lightening a little, but life still sucks......sat the other night with a bottle of jack and sleeping pills for about 2 hours contemplating, but then chickened out at the last minute, i guess i want a chance to live as me and see where it goes.......anyways i love all you guys............too bad we can't all get together and have a big bash
later friends

still breathing

2007-11-05T06:24:00.000-05:00

well its monday morning and i guess i should be happy...still breathing, still not eating much, sleep patterns weird, lonely, very lonely, i am spending more and more time alone in my room, either reading, watching tv or just sleeping, then i wake up can't go back to sleep, finally go back to sleep and don't wake up in time for work, this sucks, i have always been a happy smiling laughing person and all i do not is just silently move through life......or is life moving right past me..............don't know, not sure i really care.............its becoming more of an effort just to do what i used to enjoy and that is singing, singing means happiness and while i go through the motions its hard to stand in front of a congregation of about 900 people and sing all about the praises and how wonderful our God is..............i have broken down in tears several times at work this past week...........think i am loosing my mind................sorry guys this is all i seem to do any more is bitch...............and moan and complain...............sorry..........

what if?

2007-10-26T17:42:00.000-04:00

last couple of days have been thinking alot and contemplating alot of things, like what if one morning i just didn't wake up........what would she think, what would she do, would she be dancing and singing or grieving, who would my son call when he needed something done or needed money, who would my daughter count in when she needed a ride to here or picked up there ......would they take out the garbage, or bring in the empty cans..........who would do the lawn the way i like it done, or would they even care..............i don't think so.............would she miss me, would anyone miss me..................

1977

2007-10-19T06:27:00.000-04:00

its back in time, 1977 planning a wedding, caterers, apartment shopping, everything is a whirlwind, she smiles, all the time, she has a beautiful smile, in my mind thinking, well getting married, now everyone will be happy, her parents love me, i love them, my mother, well thats another story, she always had a feeling, feeling about people, her and my mother never got along, not until my mom got sick and was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my mom, perhaps my best friend, gone in 6 weeks........what was i thinking back then, i had a friend where i worked at the time, kept thinking damn he is so hot..................asked him to be my best man............i knew then, i knew before then, why, why did i marry her, oh wait, i can keep this secret, its not so hard, i will share everything in life with her, except my little secret, oh the tangled webs we weave thinking we can pull one over on someone...........
i could only imagine telling people about my secret back in 1977...........probably would be burned at the stake...............who knew back then the incredible pain and hurt that i would cause, who knew back then how it would affect my yet to be named children........who knew back then i would be seeking ways to end it all..............who knew

happy birthday cooper

2007-10-16T12:36:00.000-04:00

one of my favorite reads every morning is a blog titled coopers corridor...you can find him in my blog links...........today he is celebrating his birthday and the finalization of the adoption of his two beautiful children....take a minute and stop by his blog to wish him congratulations and happy birthday............this man is by far one of the most gifted writers i have read.....
happy birthday cooper

another monday

2007-10-15T06:37:00.001-04:00

well folks, its yet another monday morning here in cleveland, gee, can't wait to get another week of nothing started. work, home, hide in my room, walk the dog, go back to my room,
i think i over did over the weekend , mowed the yard, trimmed,edged,did the hedge, started putting all the deck and porch furniture away for the winter, and now i can barely walk on my foot this am, feels like broken glass between my big toe and foot............will the not stop, i must call the doc today again, but he will want to see me, and very hard to get out of work.........have not had any thoughts of driving off a cliff this weekend ,its a great thought but realize it would solve nothing...........i know that she would not miss me, and that the kids would not, but must go on, i have come this far and i need to see what is around the next bend..........so for all you that have left comments, i thank you, your friendship helps and only hope that someday we all get to meet face to face

direction?

2007-10-10T18:11:00.000-04:00

last night i got on the freeway I271 to be exact, was heading just couple exists and ended up driving about 60 miles before realized what i was doing and where i was going, just totally lost train of thought as to what i was doing, started thinking about, just for a minute, what the end results would be should the car run off the road.....for a moment the thought appeared pleasant, she would be rid of me, the debt would be taken care of, house would be taken care of, my miserable work situation right now would be taken care of, and probably no one would miss me....oh wait, my son would .....thats right.........no one to call when he needs something......but alas at last minute decided not to do it last night..............perhaps tonight. should go for another ride..........after all, need to go put on my happy face at church for music rehersals and thus get to see all my "friends"..............

LONLINESS

2007-10-04T06:35:00.000-04:00

i have discovered, while on this wonderful,wacky,sad journey that i am on, that while i am surrounded by people, friends at church, co-workers, future mrs ex and kids, that i am very very lonely, there is no one to hug, no one to kiss, no one to say i love you to, no one to tell me i am loved, no one to hug at night and cuddle with,wrap my arms around and comfort, be comforted, while i am getting comfortable and content with who i am becoming there is no one to share it with....tired of living in the house, tired of working where i work, even worshipping with the music team on sundays has become an effort, and music is one of my first joys, i am just getting tired, not sure what to do, where to go, how to get there, of if i should even bother................

tuesday update

2007-09-25T06:45:00.000-04:00

well, i think that i have rounded the corner, while my foot is still hurting, i can wear shoes, and pretty much function all day.....doc has i think ruled out gout as my acid levels all came back normal, still not sure but has me on a steroid pac that i have been on......arm they took blood from last week has pretty much turned about 2/3 black and blue, went back to urgent care sunday pm and they said not to worry, probably nicked an arterie when drawing blood, and have slept the last 2 nights through the night...........ahhhhhhhhhhhh life is good .....
now for the good stuff...............dancing with the stars is back..................my main man maxim was on last night.......omg he is so hot.................oh man just realized how gay that sounds.............but you need to watch him move................mmmmmmmmmmmm
life is good....................later guys
over and out and hugs from beautiful cleveland

doctor visit

2007-09-21T06:20:00.000-04:00

just a quick up date.....finally went to doctor on wednesday ...went through a battery of tests, still have bronchitis, re-prescribed z-pack, double ear infection, kidney infection, went in there with temp of 102, waiting for results of blood work and chest x-rays...foot is killing me, but they havn't prescribed anything yet, they did give me a cortison shot.....not sure for what, did not seem to do anything.......anyways, like a said in previous post, i am one HELL of a catch..who out there wants this broken down what ever.............................

it freekin hurts

2007-09-18T17:53:00.000-04:00

ok , now enough is enough, still battling this stupid bronchitis shit, now the flare up in the foot apparently may be something called, gout, omg, old man syndrome coming through......they want me to get a complete blood work up and have my uric acid levels checked....so ...here is this about 1/2 way out of the closet guy, thinks he's still kinda got it, hacking and coughing.....limping....whining and complaining.....omg what a freekin catch i am.........up for grabs here anyone interested?????????????

empty title

2007-09-15T06:47:00.000-04:00

not much as happened this week, still not feeling 100%...nasty cough and lots of thinking is keeping me up virtuly all night...have not gotten than a couple hours sleep any night this week, i keep running in my head over and over again what i have done, what i did to her, if we split she will be alone, and i will move on in my merry way and perhaps find the one man out there i was meant to be with..........guess i keep punishing myself for not being "normal"...its hard sometimes to see other couples, other families with there kids, and keep thinking..why can't i be like that, why can't i make the last 2 years just go away.....anyways it won't happen, i can't do that.....its just sad................
house arrest has sucked...lasted about 3 days.........just had to get out............went to walmart....wooooo hooooooooo, but forgot to buy the damn push up bars...so get to go to walmart today.........
ended up in emergency room thursday night, my foot has been hurting on and off at the joint of the toes....could have sworn something was fractured, alas, i am having a major arthritic inflamation episode.......take advil and stay off feet...............right..........
anyways you all have a great weekend

evil david

2007-09-10T07:48:00.000-04:00

so saturday i got home from work about 11 am, did not go anywhere else that day, about every hour the phone rang, got to it, answered and hang up.....oh, they were out till almost 5 in the evening, and says oh i never called the house......yesterday found me going to church in am, stopping at wallmart on way to church to buy a new belt as mine broke, also checked out a couple cd's, found an old diana ross cd with the song "i'm coming out" so had to buy it, pulled in driveway with sunroof open and song playing loudly yesterday coming home from church....was too funny..........anyways all...have a great monday

SNIPPETS

2007-09-08T10:39:00.000-04:00

i stole that title from tornwordo.....kinda like it, wrap up of the week.........anyways feeling better, still have a hacking cough........but getting better, thanks for all your good wishes......since there is a major trust issue am informing my future mrs ex this weekend that i will not be running errands, going shopping stopping at the store or anything anymore since i am timed each time i leave the house, when i get home from work i am home for the night, if she needs something from the store she can go..........was gone 20 minutes the other night and she checked the clock when i walked in the door...........the only time i will leave is when its time to walk my dog.......and the route we take that takes 22 minutes.................

weight is down to 198...............started doing crunches and sit ups............new site link in my links which have some great fitness and food tips thanks to my blogger buddy akoni....check it out
with that have a great weekend

its alive

2007-09-05T06:36:00.001-04:00

well its wednesday, i kinda think that i have rejoined the world ofthe living........still alot of congestion in the chest and lungs, but can hear, don't hurt and slept through the night for the first time in 2 weeks.................and i dropped 10 pounds.......great start to my fitness ....went on walk with the boomer last night and got very winded after 1 block, but its a start.......now should probably quit smoking huh!@!!!!!
later friends..........thanks for all the good wishes

this sucks

2007-09-04T06:20:00.000-04:00

hey there guys its tuesday, happy september, hope everyone had a great labor day weekend, they went out of town, son went camping, david stayed home, in bed, alone, still sick, nasty hacking cough, chest hurts to breath, no appetite, have lost about 8 pounds since this all started, am probably going back to doctor tonight to see if they can prescribe something better than that 5 day dosage thng, can't spell but call it zithromax........

obviously got nothing done around house that i was told to get done, so she was pissed when got home, had to help unload her car, and .........then the left and went to the movies.........oh well, think we are going to have that talk this week...................i want to end it once and for all..........if i have to live in a cardboard box it would be better than this.............wanted to go visit and spend the day with someone i care about a great deal about 1 hour away from me but just couldn't, that really sucked cause i don't know when i will get the opportunity to go see him again............hope he understands...............any ways, over and out for now from beautiful cleveland

doctor doctor

2007-08-29T06:49:00.000-04:00

i'm sick..........after putting up with hearing problems, chest congestion, headache,and lots of other shit went to urgent care last night.....hoping for a hot doc, but no luck, checked all my vitals, x-rays, and listening, he determine i have bronchitis,severe, borderline pnemonia.....damn hate that.........but here i am at work this am....pills and potions in hand ready for a day of crabby ass customers who just fucking piss me off................think i'll have a great day

weekend in review

2007-08-28T06:22:00.000-04:00

look guys, 2 posts within a couple days of each other........nothing much to report, we went out for chinese food on saturday, and while we usually eat in silence of a few polite words back and forth, was the same that evening, until, i got my fortune cookie........"the next move is up to you" thought this was rather funny and laughed out loud, she was not amused when i share with her...oh well, the are going out of town for the weekend on a little go-away, i mean get-away....hope it doesn't get canceled......
on another note, my new friend at akoni's site...see my links has started a new blog called the healthy choise....i am very excited about this as i plan to restart my healthy eating, healthy living ...i know i can never get into the shape again of a 20 or 30 something but i can get in a hell of alot better shape than i am in right now......so here are my beginning specs

weight...............209 this am

height 6-1

waist size 36-38 was 32 when all this shit happened

so wish me luck, very excited........and know that i will do it.........
peace out for now from beautiful cleveland ohio

reality check

2007-08-25T07:03:00.000-04:00

i have finally realized i am a shit when it comes to posting,....perhaps this weekend i will finally purchase a computer for home and will get a little better.

thinks i have been wondering about lately.....age......while i feel like i am somewhat out, i am still at home, dual incomes, house blablabla......when i proceed with the total process i will be alone, a 56 year old divorced male who has come out, have become overweight, and wonder, the gay life is all geared at the 20's and 30's pretty boys perfect bodies, perfect hair, unlimited income...this is how it is all perceived, what i want is the spouse, the house living out the rest of my days as a happy partnered gay man, but once single, it could take years to find that perfect man, one who compliments me, one who i would live to make happy make a home with him....then i will be nearing 60......i dunno guys, this just has been really bothering me......and not sure if it is making any sense, but just thoughts that go through this confused mind of mine

then there is the financial thing, house is mtg'd too high, about 20g over value, no pension, no 401k no savings and about 40 grand in credit card debt thanks to son.......and while there is not going to be any child support, would there be alimony.....she works full time and makes about 30 grand a year.......all thinks i am thinking about......

internet woes

2007-08-14T17:49:00.000-04:00

well apparently someone here at work has been abusing the internet,downloading you tube videos and slowing down the network to a point where no one could function the other day from a business standpoint, so our net is going to be blocked for only selected sites and business only..which, will put me at a great disadvantage as i will not be able to blog or update from work anylonger, which i know is a no-no but i do it before and after hours..........anyways have no access at home as the future mrs ex will not allow me to use the home computer...so if anyone would like to donate to the help dave paul get a computer fund, or would like to donate a computer to really really worthy cause that would be awsome............j/k
working on a possible address change soon so i can sit and blog naked all night if i want...hahaha
and if ya'all really have a old computer i could put to good use...hahaha
love you guys

time for a funeral

2007-08-09T06:46:00.000-04:00

while i have gone on and on and whine incessently about all my trials and tribulations i know that you guys have grown tired of hearing this without me doing anything about it...soooo, with that being said the events of the last several weeks have proven to me that it is time, and perhaps someone here who has been through all this can give me some tips....i am looking for a lawyer who can be reasonably understanding yet fair......would welcome all comments on how to go about this
i realize this will cost me a lot both in finances and personal, but its time...i have no friends to loose as i have already lost them to her side.........the house, well i don't care its mortgaged for much more than its worth........... a little 1 bedroom apt would be heaven for me now just to not live the lie anymore ..........and found one the other day...very nice, private entrace...back door into a lawn area....400.00 per month......and it would be mine, my home, mine to do what i want in and decorate how i want.........i am very excited about this

i think its time,time to move on

2007-07-28T06:42:00.000-04:00

last several weeks have been reading blogs, checking out guys, and realize i can't and won't do a damn thing until things are finalized at the home front. yesterday the cell phone bill came and now she wants to know just who i talk to as i use a lot of minutes, well she is the one that says we are finished and bla bla bla, she goes on seperate vacations,goes out to dinner with friends,goes to movies all the time with my daughter, so i got to thinking that perhaps its time to put the wheels in motion to finish this once and for all. i don't think its fair to her to continue this and am right now looking at how to make it as easy transition as possible so she will not loose her job at the church.
if i need to get before the congregation and let them know just who and what i am so that she may seperate and still keep her employement the church knowing that this is none of her fault then i will......
will be tough to leave the things i love in the church, leading worship on sundays, singing in choir and so forth but there are other churches out there
well this is all for now must now get to work before my staff comes in
over and out from beautiful cleveland

its another tuesday

2007-07-24T06:29:00.000-04:00

hey guys haven't posted in a bit, and realized after reading my last post i really lead a very boring life, i have nothing new to share,report,bitch about or anything else. i did come home the other day and my beautiful rainbow flag was replaced by, a pansy flag, thinks she's telling me something. the last 2 weekends was spent with her family all day saturday and sunday for various activities such as graduation party,neices first birthday and last saturday her anual family reunion..good food,stressed time, not knowing who knows and who doesn't, but not really caring who does and who doesn't at this point.
its raining here this morning and feels so good and just smells so good..........well thats it for now, nothing new, nothing gay to report...dammit
have a great day guys

dribs and drabs

2007-07-14T07:17:00.000-04:00

well guys its saturday, really been an uneventful week, just work and home and shit, many of you have followed the trials of my son, who by the way is doing fabulous now, so, he got a job working for panera bread company been there for about 6 weeks and just got promoted to head baker at the mentor ohio store, so he needed a car to start this job, and while i have gotten burned in the past this time i think is different so i "sold" him my beautiful 97 chevy monte carlo, and i bought last week a shiny white 02 pontiac grand am, bright chrome rims,sun roof, kick ass monsoon stereo system, and best of all, i am not thinking i told the future mrs. exbut being in the business i got the car at my dealership for 3800.00...can't beat that.......
i also started back working out this week ...seems that blogger moby has inspired me to get back even though he doesn't know it, but tired of setting on my ass feeling sorry for my self, so this is the beginning of new dave, positive outlook dave, look to the future and maybe do some traveling, (yeah right) would love to meet some fellow bloggers as you guys are an awesome bunch and feel right at home in our little blog world as part of a really great group....
all for now
out from beautiful cleveland ohio

summer colors

2007-07-11T06:43:00.000-04:00

well got home last night from work and guess what, the flag is still flying........not a word, not a mention, just wondering when the mulch pile will be done so i can work on the deck ..........oh well, ..............life goes on

summer colors

2007-07-10T07:08:00.000-04:00

ok for some reason blogger is not letting me add a title to this this morning, but anyways i have been working my ass off in the yard last several weeks, and while no mention has happened as to how it looks, has been mentioned repeatedly whats not done yet, so went to wall mart last night....i hate wall mart, but anyways they have lots of tacky yard stuff, bought a few items and the crowning moment was walking through the lawn and garden dept, there it was, in all its glory, had to buy it, a bright, big beautiful rainbow flag, she will see it this am when she leaves for work.............ahhhhhhhhhhh things are goood

theres a change in the wind

2007-07-05T12:43:00.000-04:00

well i hope all you boys had a great 4th, mine was slightly stressed in that i spent the bulk of the day with her family, and must admit this time felt very strained even with her parents and brothers and sisters. in the past never had a problem and i did not particularly want to go yesterday, but am glad i went to the local fireworks display which had some particularly hot scenery that kept walking by............anyways last couple weeks she has been going through the house pulling a lot of things out and getting ready to take all this stuff out to her parents for a garage sale.......its alot of glass wear and stuff we have collected over the years and while i havn't said anything to her about what she is doing am just wondering .............its been going on roughly 2 years now, and i am feeling stronger and stronger every day in my new skin ........have slowly started building up a network of gay friends, one in particular that i talk to on a regular basis and think that i could easliy fall for him.........what a sweet sweet man only problem is he lives a bit away from me.........but that can be worked out........so yeah i think my life is starting to come together in bits and pieces ........

what a relief

2007-06-26T12:31:00.000-04:00

well boys we can all breath a big sigh of relief now, paris got to go home...i know we were all worried about that.......so go out shopping, buy some food, throw a party cause paris is home!!!!

homecoming

2007-06-22T17:43:00.001-04:00

well boys ...its friday, and was told i think yesterday that the future mrs.ex and my daughter will be home a day early, tommarow, ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have really enjoyed this week, and perhaps she has to, my dream would be for her to come and and have that talk that perhaps we should seperate............i guess that sounds cruel but even though i am the one that fucked things up 2 years ago, i am glad it happened and this past week could not have been happier, even though i got very little done on her "list" i had a load of mulch delivered today so it looks like i have been busy...........so dear freinds, signing off for tonight, hope ya'll have a great weekend, and mark wish i were going to columbus to meet you guys but i am sure you understand......

fathers day

2007-06-18T06:30:00.000-04:00

yesterday was fathers day, and also my 2nd full day of bachlorhood...loving it, would have kinda liked a phone call or something to aknowledge that i was someones father, but thats ok, i saw my son, he forgot, but asked to borrow money, so i lent him 50, he is doing well, working 2 jobs one at little cesars pizza, and the other is 3rd shift in training at panera bread company, he will be head baker at the mentor ohio store.......

had invited a REALLY nice guy to go with me to cleveland pride saturday, at last minute he couldn't go, bummer, decided was not going to go, but at last minute went anyways...what a hoot, it was great being in the element that i want to belong with, was nice to see guys walking hand in hand with other guys, but was just different for me, i suppose if i had someonethere with me would be different but won't go alone again, i did get the hrc bumper sticker you know the blue one with the 2 yellow lines, not on the car yet but guess when i do thats a public statement..anyways hope all your weekends were great

vacation time

2007-06-15T06:22:00.000-04:00

no, i'm not going anywhere but they are, they leave today for a week of vacation, so with that being said i can relax,let my hair down, and just be me for a week,me and the dog, it will be good to be apart its getting tense,ugly,vicious, and just plain tiring to be there.......and this is not a pity post, i am looking forward to this, have some plans for the yard, y'all are welcome to come to cleveland and help, oh and the deck needs sealed, the garage needs painted, the hedges need trimmed, need to plant my flowers, she suggested i take next week of as vacation to get all this done, i think the words were back to her that thats bullshit, i will not take vacation time to work while she is down in tennesse relaxing, having fun and spending money.....nope no way...i would take time off to go somewhere and just put my feet up to reflect on how i want to proceed with this mess, do i take the next step, seperate and finally live this life full time in truth and light and figure out just who the hell dave is.........me thinks that step is coming ......soon.......

my legacy

2007-06-12T18:03:00.000-04:00

so a good friend of mine, who moved to el paso last year and who was the 2nd person i came out to lost her father last week, she closed on her house here in cleveland, and they had the memorial service last weekend talked at length about the legacy that her father has left, so it has started me thinking, what will my kids say about me when i am gone, my son would say that i paid for everything probably, my daughter would probably say that i am the dad that lied to her mother and treated her like shit........my wife, well what can i say......she probably would say nothing .my friends, well i never had many friends as they were all her friends, soooooo, the meal ticket being gone, the abuser being gone, well should be a great old party here.......but really i have started thinking, would people even miss me or notice if i were gone....? i don't know..perhaps i never made to many friends as i feared that perhaps the lie would surface, and i of course couldn't have friends that i would be comfortable with as that would give me away too, sometimes i just wonder............

when will it end

2007-06-06T06:53:00.000-04:00

i just read a post this morning from brent and he basically sounds like he wrote a letter to his wife about ending things, God i wish i had the guts and courage to do that but in realizing how i hurt her and ended the life she thought would be her safe haven for rest of her life makes me feel like a piece of shit.....i so want to just move on, but something keeps stopping me, its miserable in the house, we don't speak, we don't laugh anymore, we exist, i suppose for the paychecks to keep the house going, the bills paid, she does her thng, i do mine, which is nothing, but soon thats got to stop, i can't continue living in this world where there is nothing but work and then come home and total silence all night, can't do it, don't want to, how many times can i got to a bookstore or coffee house ..then what happens if i should happen to stumble accross and meet someone, what do i tell him, more lies........can't do it anymore, want to meet some one, hold them in my arms, not worry about the lies and just live what life i have left in total happiness and truth

something new

2007-06-01T10:49:00.000-04:00

there is something that i have long wanted to do, i find it a really big turn on on other guys, finally got the money to do it, finally got the guts to do it, i went last night and had both nipples pierced.....so, i am feeling pretty good this morning, guess this is just one more step towards total freedom and truth in who i really am, damn it feels good to be able to be who i am and do what i really want.....now if i could just get a date..any takers for dinner?????

gay pride 07

2007-05-30T12:47:00.000-04:00

so since pride comes this year on the same weekend that wife is leaving on vacation i have volunteered some time on saturday of the fesitval to help at one of the booths..thought this might be a good to get involved in my "new" community....so with that, thats about all from beautiful sunny cleveland today
over and "out" for now

WE'RE FINISHED

2007-05-21T17:30:00.000-04:00

we're finished, these are the words that were said to me in a loud shouting tone on saturday, now let me back up a bit, and please guys, tell me if i am a shit for doing this, i work, work hard and put my whole check in the bank,i get 20.00 per week spending money, or allowance as it is called, she gets the same, we both have part time jobs, her ptj money goes into a seperate account that she uses for concerts, plays her vacation money, what ever, my ptj money goes into the house account for things like replacement of appliances, new tv washer dryer or whatever, i usually get a lump of 1000.00 for the work i perform for a friend that has placed me in the care of her home over last 3 years while she traveled for her job, so, this last time i got 1000.00beginning of the month, but this time i told her i got 500, split it and kept 1/2 for things like new running shoes, clothes as we all know that us gay men need our clothes, and i havn't bought anything new in several years. thought i had it licked, then we got into an arugment about money, the house and how i don't do anything, and she mentioned about the check, for 1000, and of course i said 500, and she screamed .........i had the fucking check in my wallet and she went through it...........so in reading all this am i a shit or are we both.....should i give her the money or keep it, i don't know what to do, i trust your guys opinions as alot of us are going through the same kinda things right now

getting on with life

2007-05-15T06:45:00.000-04:00

so lately i am having the realization that i can never start life over as totally gay man here is beautiful cleveland, have been thinking maybe its time to relocate, which will finalize things here and with wife and so forth, kinda of looking at arizona area, have been to scottsdale many moons ago and really liked it then, was wondering from any of you guys what its like out there for a totally out gay man.
things just can't go on here much longer like they have been, because i am so unhappy right now i have been a total shit to her, which hurts me, but i just don't want to be there any more, i need to get on with life, very lonely, very very lonely, but financially don't think anything can happen, which puts me in more of a funk, God i hate being depressed, there is so much to live for and i just want to capture some of that while i still have some time left
all for now guys
over and out from sunny cleveland

my birthday

2007-05-07T11:37:00.000-04:00

well, actually not much to write about.......birthday was saturday, another year older..thats a death sentence in gay land.....spent weekend away...was great being away....hated coming home...invited someone to go with me but he couldn't, he promised next year same time he would go, can't wait........anyways you all have a great day.....chat with ya all soon

my favorite idol

2007-05-02T06:05:00.000-04:00

just a quick note, nothing new in depressing cleveland land, but last night, who watches american idol and is there anyone else here that thinks blake is just freekin hot????? plus new color and new cut.........damnnnnnnnn!
going out of town for weekend for a retreat near columbus this weekend, anyone wanna go with me????????
over and out right now from cleveland

blame

2007-04-27T06:22:00.000-04:00

lately i have been thinking much about blame, blame for my daughters fact she doesn't have a boyfriend, blame for my wifes health issues, blame for my sons drug problems and keep going in circles that maybe if i wern't gay none of this would have happened...its as if God is punishing me for being the miserable sinner that i am....now i find out yesterday that word on the street is that my job has been offered by one of the owners to another service manager at another dealership, while denied by said owner, how secure do i feel now?...another punishment of God..so this is how my week is ending, getting tired, so tired of feeling like everything is my fault, that i am the reason for all this hell........sometimes is wonder if its all worth it.....

OMG! OVERWEIGHT

2007-04-24T06:38:00.000-04:00

so guys with my new found courage and energy, and the fact that i turn another year older next saturday the 5th, recently realized that after competing in olympic power eating for 2 years since her discovery of my royal gayness, that i have gotten pudgy and soft,to the tune of about 40 pounds too much, have always worked out and taken reasonable care of myself, but stopped everything jan of 05 when all the shit hit the fan, but, who likes a pudgy middle aged gay man...anyways have started working out again, in hopes can shed some pounds before summer....oh and how about summer, all the guys are out with their t-shirts and shorts on again...damn i love warm weather.......:)

new direction,new steps

2007-04-21T08:56:00.000-04:00

this past week has been a week of thought,revelation, and much discussion with myself ...i have decided to take some bold steps, while there are those of us here in our family in same situation as me, still married and unable to do anything about it at this point, due to financial problems, we have formed seperate lives and while she goes out to dinner and goes here and there and planning a vacation in june, i have done nothing, so this week have contacted someone in local gay peoples paper and have signed up to join a group of gay guys in my neighborhood interested in sports and fitness, will be meeting weekly, cannot wait, am also considering, since i do like to sing, joining the northcoast mens chorus, what a blast that would be, i am feeling like i need to get into my life, i have accepted and embraced it and have never felt so good about myself, have started working out again, got on the bike last night, soooooo this is my new life, my gay life, i am loving it

FIRDAY THE 13TH

2007-04-13T08:08:00.000-04:00

ok all my blogger family out there, many of you have followed all the trials and tribulations of my son........today we finally go to court..........11:00 ...will be spending the morning sitting in court with his mother..........keep me in your thoughts today guys
will update more later

acceptance

2007-04-11T08:37:00.000-04:00

this has been a long road for me and am finally coming to terms with my gayness and embracing it as realizing that this is who i am, this is what makes up what i am, this is me down to my very soul........and while some people may get hurt along the way, i finally have to come to terms that my former life is gone,done, i have 2 wonderful children, and many memories of life with my wife, but it cannot be anymore and i am SO very excited to see what will come around the bend next.....i shared something with journeyman this morning, and i wanted to post it in my blog as well, i have a joel osteen calender on my desk that i look at each morning when i come into work, this is what yesterdays said

"if you are going to enjoy your life to the full, you must learn to be confident as the individual God made you to be. Understand this:you were not created to mimic somebody else,you were created to be you, when you go around copying and trying to be like somebody else, not only does it demean you, it steals your diversity, your creativity, and your uniqueness."

just think if we all follow that what would we be experiencing that we are missing now
love to all you

almost april........WOW

2007-03-31T12:08:00.000-04:00

wow......almost april.........damn i suck at this updating shit.......anyways, my son is still in jail, since jan 27,we have a new court date of friday the 13th, that sucks, hoping to get him out and back into life, he swears he has seen the light and will start living life properly, so, that means i have to come up with another months rent for his apt, hopefully he will find a job right away as he lost his when got arrested, and life goes on and on and on, the wedding ring came off 3 weeks ago, after noticing that hers was not on, have to admit its a pretty liberating feeling to have it off, one more step to being totally true to who i finally have discovered i am.......i am loving this.
she did inform me last night that her and my daughter are going on vacation in june, hmmmmmm, without me......so think i will plan a little vacation by myself this year........not sure where i will go, but going to go somewhere, anyone outthere want to put me up for a week?
have started working out again and getting back into shape for the coming summer.....i will go to my first pride in cleveland this year, just to see what its all about
thanks for reading my blog guys and the support
love ya all

happy march

2007-03-09T18:02:00.000-05:00

well guys i promised to post more but shit just keeps on happening and happening....my son is still in jail from middle of january, have been busy trying to get his apt packed up but hesitate to empty yet as he has court this coming wednesday...i finally had to hire a lawyer to help with this as he was being threatened with several years in ohio penn if he didn;t coaperate with detectives in cleveland...soooo dad had to step in again......but he is my son........as much as he has screwed me .....he is still my son........onward to other subjects, life still sucks in the house, we don't talk, barely even look at each other, noticed last friday night that she has no ring on anymore sooooo as of last sunday dave has no ring on anymore.........not sure what it means from her part but feels like a little bit more freedom for me.......thinking that she does not consider us married any longer........so what the next step is i don't know........happy note sunny and near 60 here today
later guys

life just won't quit

2007-01-31T17:38:00.000-05:00

so to many of you who have been reading this poor excuse for a blog realize that i am not the greatest at updating, but here is the latest......this weekend wife is going out of town and would love nothing more than to go out and do something really fun, but will probably stay home with the dog and watch csi, alias,or something like that, anyone got any ideas what i can do for fun in a cold cleveland town.........boy child, who has had a warrant out for his arrest since june, got picked up last saturday and now have the unpleasant task of packing up his apartment i just signed lease for and figure out where to put all his stuff, he probably will be gone for a while...i ma thinking 6 months to a year.........damn the shit just don't stop does it........well, thats about it for now..if anyone can think of something fun to do e mail me ..........
later fellow bloggers and promise i will start updating more frequently

its another year

2007-01-05T18:15:00.000-05:00

sooooo good friends in the world of blogging, the holidays have past and its start of another year, not much unpleasant has been happening, been rather quiet in the house and calm, actually had a great christmas with family......hope the new year continues with the same amount of peace that is present now, does not change who or what i am, and hope that she knows that, but there is no reason to have the large amount of anger that has been present for a long while now....hope all of your holidays were great..will try to post more often......been too long

suffocating

2006-11-16T16:47:00.000-05:00

its been a bit since i have posted, the last week has not been good to me, i feel choked, strangled, suffocated, scared,frustrated and feel like the world is closing in on me and cannot breath. i am gay, i have accepted that, i embrace that, its the only thing that makes me feel whole and complete, but while i have accepted that i cannot become that at this time, i am still married and while i am living in the house primarly due to finances, she is acting like everything is good and fine and i have all the memories of the life we had, the life we shared, the good times and the bad, and while that all plays in my mind i have the longings and urgings to run jump spread my wings and fly...........does anybody understand this ......cause i sure don't........i want to be me.....damn that sounds like an old 60's song........but still i just feel like i am dying a slow slow death,............anyone out ther e understand all of this????

never know what you'll find

2006-11-06T16:12:00.000-05:00

soooooooooo, i have a good friend who is processing our refinance of the mortgage on our house, and he calls me this afternoon and asks about a certain address that comes up as an inquiry on her credit info.........the address is the apt complex we lived in when we got married, turns out there is credit iquiry from that place with in last several weeks.........hmmmmmmmmmmm, wonder what that means.........yay!

back on the treadmill

2006-11-06T14:49:00.000-05:00

ok guys, so after year and 1/2 after being outed.........and she still thinks i am fixed,i have started back on my excersize and fitness regime.......since she found out about me jan of 05 i have gained about 55 pounds and lost a lot of muscle and any good gay guys knows that no one looks at a fat, middle aged gay man..........so started the cardio, the weights, the rightfood, the protein, the vitamins, and will get back into shape by end of year.........went from a 32 waist to 36 waist, and feel like a slug.............other news, its gonna be a nice week in cleveland, any takers to help finish the freekin garage...pizza and beer.....just have to come up with an explanation of why all the incredibly hot men are there helping with garage.............

TIRED

2006-10-28T07:19:00.000-04:00

this week has been a really tough week for me, work stress, home stress, life stress, lonliness and i could go on and on.......what i have come to finally realize is that i am gay, (big news there),i am married and while i still live there don't feel like i belong there anymore,so being tires of the games, the anger,the nice one day and angry the next day shit at home, i am going to pursue truth,who and what i am,and see what happens, i think i am ready for the next step,and am looking forward with great excitement to the next step,keep me in your thoughts an prayers guys,as we see just what the next few weeks unfold....perhaps my knight in shining armour will just show up, sweep me off my feet and carry me away to never never land, isn't that how it supposed to happen in gay land??????
peace out for now